I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
