Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
