dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
