The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
