My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
