wanna go halves on a baby?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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