chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
