i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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