that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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