I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
How's work?
Spinning.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
