Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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