I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
