I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
