Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
