remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
