I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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