dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
