I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
