my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
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