I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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