Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
