ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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