Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
