Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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