I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found the puke drawer
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize