4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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