god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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