I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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