I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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