bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
