I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
