i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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