My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
