I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
