We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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