This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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