The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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