he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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