if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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