i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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