The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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