$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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