He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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