I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
