I looked at my own cervix.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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