She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
