If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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