I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
