Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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