i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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