Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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