im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Redeem this text for a blowjob
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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