Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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