The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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