Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
