Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
