I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
