I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
