She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
