Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
did i walk over a car last night?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize